My Dark Secret…


With a title like that, you already know that what I’m about to reveal to you, Dear Reader, is not something I easily admit. It’s a confession of sorts. You see, I wouldn’t wish being transgender on anyone.

And I mean anyone.

Being transgender means showing the world who you are on the inside, in spite (and because) of the gender of the shell you have. Some trans folks know at a very young age; some discover later on; some are neither male, nor female; some are both; some ignore gender altogether. But there is one constant: We all spend an incredible amount of time considering gender.

Why is my body this way?
Why can’t I wear what I want?
But I’m not a (boy/girl)!

These are things we as trans people ponder. We dive into the gender spectrum and try to find our color in it. And it’s never what our doctors and parents declared on our birthdays. We struggle to find out why we’re so unlike the alleged members of our “own sex”. We struggle to discover the roots of kinks we discover later in life. We don’t wonder who we are.

We know who we are. We wonder why we are this way.

Something just doesn’t fit. Or it fits a different way. Or maybe it can be redesigned to fit.

There are those who would accuse any trans person as trying to redesign themselves, perhaps even for nefarious reasons. Some would claim trans people “try to remake God’s design” and are therefore abominations. Others may say “live and let live” yet turn a blind eye to the rampant persecution of trans people by those who feel our very existence is a threat.

We threaten it all.

We threaten the patriarchy. We threaten the binary concept of gender. We’re willing to give up privilege, and live with the consequences. Many of us turn to sex work just to survive. Most of us know the risks before we come out. We could literally lose everything simply to be who we are. So why the fuck would anyone transition?

There is only one answer: We cannot accept that society reduced who we are when it stapled an M or an F to us at birth. We know ourselves better than those who would force such roles upon us. We transcend our labels. We know that version of us isn’t true. For this, we’re perceived as a threat. But this piece wasn’t going to be about the binary, or the gender spectrum, or anything political. It was about a secret. My secret.

My secret is that I wish I didn’t ponder such things; that I didn’t question gender; that I could just be someone who accepted the M or F without further consideration.

I wish I could have been born cis.

But I’m happy that I was born trans.

By TransEthics Posted in Blogs

2 comments on “My Dark Secret…

  1. First off, let me send warm hugs and support to you. Saying things like this has got to be hard and i can feel the heartfelt meaning as you painfully wrote each word.

    I do not believe there is, and should not be, any Darkness to wanting to be who you are. No Secret, No Lie and No Shame.

    It is completely reasonable that you wish you were born CIS. Being Trans is an mental anguish i would with on no one. I know.

    I think every TransPerson wishes they were born being the gender of their mind, Being Trans is hard, full of serious threats and doubts that can easily ruin your life.

    It’d be so much easier if we were all just born the way we needed to be. But failing a magical rewriting of history, we can be ourselves.

    We can be Trans. We can be proud and shout to the whole world who we really are and damn those who do not understand, who would oppress us, would would try to trick us into accepting being less than who we really are.

    Your words remind us that we need not live a life of lies, just to support their narrow, bigoted worldview of a gender binary with no Trans People.

    But your actions go beyond that. You help others. You educate. You’re a staunch advocate for us to live happy well adjusted lives, even as you struggle like the rest of us.

    And to me, you’ve inspired me to do better and to support each other as you have supported us.

    -Darla Donna


  2. Pingback: Suggestion Saturday: January 21, 2017 | Lydia Schoch

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